In the last 24 hr I have gone through almost every emotion there could be. It began like any other Monday night. We had put the kids to bed and were getting settled ourselves. Around 11:20pm my phone rang and immediately 3 things went through my head 1) its Mayo 2) its one of my closest friends, she is the only one who has ever called that late or 3) something has happened..like an emergency. I looked at my phone and all it said was FLORIDA, and the area code was 904, which is Jacksonville, my heart sank. I answered and the lovely lady on the other end informed me that they had found a match and since I lived so far away that I needed to leave to come there as soon as I could…..the organ was scheduled to be procured and back at the hospital between 8 and 9am.
We rushed to get the kids up, threw some extra stuff in our somewhat packed suitcases that we have been living out of since April, all while trying to explain to our kids what is going on and why we woke them up. I was crying and trying to sort out the emotions and feelings that were running through my mind. I was scared, more so than I had ever been in my life, I felt guilty for being scared because I had wanted this and it was here…why was I freaking out? I couldn’t pull myself together, and when my oldest started crying and asking if I was going to die…I wanted to just get back in my bed and pretend like the phone had never rang. She was trying to be strong and she couldn’t hold it in any longer. It broke my heart to think that my kids were this scared and for what? Something I had decided on, that was out of the normal “DR” visits that had brought me this far in life?
We met Brandon’s mom about 30 minutes away to give her the kids and start the 6 hour night trip to Jacksonville, Brandon had been up since 6am and sleep was not on the agenda. I cried most of the way to Jacksonville, I was terrified of what could happen, how would we afford everything and how we would arrange things for the kids and so much more. My dad was driving to Jacksonville from Alabama alone in the middle of the night and my mother was driving from Gulf Shores, where she was on vacation, alone in the middle of the night as well. Anyone who knows me, knows I worry myself to death and was scared something would happen to one of my parents while they were rushing to be with me. As we came into the city I became even more anxiety ridden and the emotions were taking over.
We arrived at Mayo Clinic around 5:45am. A room was waiting on me, Room 329 on the transplant floor. They immediately began prepping me for surgery, took me to get and xray of my heart and lungs to make sure I had no fluid and that everything checked out. We came back to the room and were told that they would be back in a few minutes to do an EKG..normal procedure. A few minutes passed and they came back, but then left suddenly. Around 7:30am 2 nurses came back in and the first words from her mouth were..”Im so sorry Mrs. Mathews, the pancreas is no good” I just stared at her. Brandon asked if she was serious and of course she said yes. I was filled with another wave of emotion, totally different from the emotions I had while driving to Mayo. I wanted to cry, scream, cuss, question God, question the nurses, hate everything and I couldn’t do anything but just sit there.
We were told this was a possibility when I was placed on the list, however human nature allows you to think that it won’t happen to you. I was so angry and the question WHY was resonating like a million screams all at once. Why would God allow me to see my kids suffer and be terrified of me dying, why would he allow for me to be filled with such emotion and have spent those 8 hours in complete fear, why would he allow for us to spend so much money to come down at the spur of the moment, money he knows we don’t have laying around, just to send me back home with feelings of despair and hopelessness? I have been saying all along that I WILL trust in HIM and I believe there is a plan, but my human nature wants to understand the plan and make sense of everything, and I can’t.
Every night I pray for God to prepare the organ he has for me, prepare their family and give them peace. To prepare my body to be able to accept the organ without complications. I pray for God to let it happen sooner than later because in my head it would make more sense..the kids are out of school, I am not working etc. But on the way home God kept telling me…see, your plan failed. I have complete faith that He will allow this to happen in His time. If I don’t secure a job, so be it..that is part of the plan. If it happens a year from now. so be it…that is part of the plan. So many things that I have consumed myself with and tried to control and beg God to work in my favor on my terms are no longer relevant.
In time HE will provide the organ, the finances, the peace and the security of knowing that this is His plan and all things will work out according to His will.
Thank You from the bottom of my heart for your support, encouragement and faith that will carry me through this journey! ❤
Natalie